What advice would you give to your teenage self?
I enjoyed my youth (most would say too much), but I don’t really dwell too much on the past, mainly because age brings wisdom. Even though life is still tough, I feel I’m more sure of who I am than ever. Though I may still live with a mental illness, my mental health is better than it once was. I feel like I know the road I need to be on even if the journey is sometimes rough (or I’m still stubborn and wander off the trail). So what would I tell you, oh lost soul, oh beautiful mess, oh dreamer–you, my teenage self?
1. Embrace Your Vulnerability
This one is hard because it’s still a struggle. How do you be sensitive and vulnerable (especially as a man) in a world that often perceives it as weak? You give that world the cold shoulder and embrace your humanity, your vulnerability, your strength no matter the cost.
Every time you hold back the tears and the feelings a piece of you dies inside and hardens like scale. But don’t expect to be accepted by all. You’ll likely be made fun of and teased but your honesty and integrity to yourself matters infinitely more than someone’s opinion of you (especially someone who’s likely reacting because they’re scared of their own vulnerability and feel threatened).
Without the ability to put our heart on display–even though it’s so challenging and scary–we can’t be the person we were born to be, we can’t be of much help to the world and people around us.
2. Don’t Be Ashamed of Your Scars
This goes along with being vulnerable but not just about our passions or the courage to show the world the light you have inside. You have to be willing to reveal your shadows too. You have to be brave enough to expose your wounds because they make up just as much of your story (if not more) than your light.
I’ve struggled with severe anxiety disorders since my first panic attack around the age of 15. But practically no one knew I was struggling. Even my parents weren’t aware of the extent of how poor my mental health was.
But I was ashamed. I was supposed to be able to keep it together. I hated the part of me that was breaking; but the more I hid, the more darkness piled up inside.
I’m on the road to recovery but am not recovered. Anxiety is part of every day of my life. If I wouldn’t have been so terrified of my scars I don’t think I’d be in the position I am now.
I wouldn’t have spent years dealing with it by using unhealthy coping mechanisms which I’m still trying to unlearn. I may not have descended into the grip of alcoholism. Though being a recovering alcoholic has made me a better person, so I don’t know if I would change that part of my story despite the hell it’s been.
Your pain, your scars are part of your story. Don’t leave them out. There’s no climax in a story without conflict. Without troubles, there’s no room for growth.
3. Don’t Let the World Crush Your Dreams
Everyone who looks back on their youth knows that a lot of our ideas weren’t the best–some were just plain dumb. But there are others that have always (and still) reside in our hearts.
These are the dreams of vocation, of what we are meant to do with our lives. Some people are luckier than others. Maybe their dream is a safe pursuit like becoming a doctor or lawyer.
But for others maybe it’s starting a business, being an artist, a writer, or inventing the next thing that will change the world. These things come with significant risk.
Your heart says go, but your head says no. You’ll fail. You’ll be ridiculed. You’re not good enough. You’re stupid for even thinking you could achieve your dream.
And then–if you’re courageous enough to share your dream with others–comes the discouragement from friends and family. How are you going to make a living? Where are you going to live? You know there’s only a small percentage of people who ever make it right?
They’re not wrong, and they’re acting out of love and concern for you. And so is your own head. It’s doing what it’s supposed to do–steer you away from danger and failure.
Forgetting and Letting Go of Your Life Dreams
The thing they don’t tell you though is that just because you listen to the world and follow the safe path doesn’t mean your heart is ever satisfied. It doesn’t mean that you are able to throw that dream out the window and never think of it again.
A vocation is the task that God has written on your heart. It’s impossible to reject it without rejecting yourself. It’s impossible to throw the thing that makes you full out of your life without making yourself empty. At 30, at 40, 50, even 60 years old that dream will still be keeping you up at night whispering to your heart.
It doesn’t mean that you can’t resurrect that passion years later and decide to put it all on the line and follow that dream. But it’s extremely hard. Maybe you’ve got a stable job, a house, a spouse, and/or kids. There’s so few hours in the day. It’s extremely difficult to find any extra time, energy, or ability to take on risk when your life is already put together.
So follow that voice in your heart. Dare to dream because ignoring it won’t make it go away. It will only make you feel like a coward, constantly wondering if only…
But do have a plan. Winging it rarely works. It’s ok to follow crazy dreams. Just make sure you have some kind of map to get to your destination.
4. Challenge Society’s Assumptions
When we’re young we often think we’ll get answers to all our questions when we’re adults. Or that adults know what they’re doing. Becoming an adult definitely assures you that it’s not just teens–no one knows what they’re doing (and that includes society).
Of course there’s good ideas and bad ideas. Some people are more grounded than others. The point is don’t be afraid to challenge what society thinks because its opinion may be wrong or at least wrong for you.
A nice house with a white picket fence doesn’t have to be your goal. Want to live out of your camper, traveling across the country? Go for it. Think working your life away for material stuff is dumb when you could work half as much and live on less? Then, do it.
But if the white picket fence sounds like your idea of a good life then by all means do that.
Just don’t feel bound to follow the path society tells you you should. Follow your path. Don’t ever let someone else convince you of the way your life should go. What sounds crazy to them might sound perfect to you and vice versa.
I think most of us can agree that society has been beneficial for humanity, but it’s made some critical errors along the way. Just look at the environment for starters. Anarchy isn’t the solution. Just don’t accept current society trends as gospel.
5. Be Purposeful With Your Time
You hear people say that kids and teens should just enjoy their freedom. Just have fun. You’ll never be young again type of philosophy. I don’t really subscribe to it. Have as much fun as possible while pursuing something of meaning. “Have fun” isn’t exactly the best life advice because a lot of what is fun is also dangerous or at least unhealthy.
I’m not saying NEVER have fun. If you want to spend an evening binge watching shows or scrolling on your phone, go for it. Just be mindful that you are wasting your time and like desserts time wasters should only be consumed in moderation.
Too often, I think leisure has turned into just aimless drifting. The reality is that most of our life is spent in adulthood working in careers and having responsibilities outside of work.
To me, putting kids and teens in this bubble where they have no real expectations other than stay out of trouble is silly and sets them up for a harsh reality check.
Wasting Your Precious Time
If you waste your teens and often your twenties just hanging out and having fun, you’re so far behind once you hit 30 that it’s hard to catch up. We see this even more now where people in their late twenties still don’t really know what they want to do with their life, aren’t married, and are still going out to the bars regularly.
Much of my 20s were spent in recovery from alcoholism, so I’m not judging or saying that I was any different. If anything my view is built on the fact that my 20s flew by without me making as much progress as I would have liked in my life journey.
Life flies by. We all realize time goes faster than we think as we age. As young people, though, we think we have all the time in the world. Until we don’t. And by then we still don’t exactly have a life plan and don’t have near the amount of energy we had when we were young.
Have as much fun as you like. Just make sure it’s part of your plan. Make sure you know that what you put off now will be much harder down the line, and you can’t get back any time you waste. Aimless drifting is the enemy of contentment.
6. Don’t Put Relationships Above Yourself
Love requires you to put your ego on the back burner and elevate another. I’m not talking about love or selfishness.
I’m talking about the things we do to compromise our integrity, morals, and even life goals for the sake of friendships or romantic relationships
In our teens, it feels like our friendships will last forever and our high school sweetheart is destined to become our spouse.
The truth is that few of those relationships even last into college let alone adulthood. Aside from some messages on Facebook I would say few adults have deep, meaningful relationships (or even interactions) from anyone they knew in high school.
And that’s ok. Relationships are often based on interests and who you are as a person; both of those change rapidly until about your mid 20s. The person you are good friends with now will likely be something of a stranger 5-10 years from now.
Don’t make the mistake of putting aside your integrity and morals for the sake of fitting in, of keeping high school relationships intact; they’re almost certainly going to dissolve anyways.
7. Be Financially Responsible
Financial decisions (and especially mistakes) in your teens and early 20s will follow you the rest of your life. Misusing credit cards, not having savings, destroying your credit and not having some sort of investment / retirement account is going to impact you for life.
I guess I’m preaching more to my 20+ year old self now, but when we’re young we see money as a means to an end. Usually, though, that end is NOW. What we want we buy without thinking about the consequences. All impulse buys, no purposeful use of resources.
Allowing yourself fun things because you have few bills is one philosophy, but like many of my other suggestions, you have to prepare for what’s coming regardless of whether you want it to or not.
Soon you will be paying rent or a mortgage. Soon you will be buying another car. Soon you will likely have student loans. Soon you will have all kinds of unforeseen emergencies that require money.
That stereo, expensive shoe collection, or closet full of trendy clothes that makes you feel cool now is going to make you feel like a fool soon.
Why make life any harder than it already is? Do you want to go into adulthood already behind (or at least with zero real assets) or go into it prepared, with at least a decent amount of savings? Realize that the cost of materialism and pretentiousness is more hours of work.
8. Your School Performance and Grades Matter
I was the king of procrastination. I was still a good student because I generally did well on tests. But homework? Ugh. I think I’ll pass. I was often scurrying to get work turned in, would sometimes forget it at home, and would sometimes forget to do it at all.
I was a good student but with a little effort I could have been great. My excuse was always that these classes really don’t matter. I’m never going to use geometry in real life, etc. But once I get into my major, well then I’ll turn it on.
How stupid. How arrogant. How naive I was.
College is expensive, near outright theft in my mind. If you don’t have an excellent scholarship, you’re going to end up making payments for a long, long time.
Most of getting good grades in high school is simply showing up and doing the work–participation. If I have to be there already, how foolish to not jump through the hoops and put in the effort!
Grades Are Money–You Are Getting Paid In High School
There’s a huge difference in the amount of money you receive from scholarships / aid from getting good grades vs excellent grades. Your opportunities and school choices shrink as well. I wish my rebellious, teenage self would have looked at grades as money and not how well I obeyed and jumped through the hoops because I surely paid for it in the form of student loans.
The other reality about school is that it’s basically a job. No matter how much you like your job there’s going to be hoops you have to jump through and things you hate doing that you have to do.
Overall, high school is about as easy as it gets as a job. As long as you show up and put in some effort, you’re going to pass. Plus, you’ve got friends around you most of the day. Your grades are a direct representation of yourself and your values. It says something about you–negative or positive.
The effort we put in school is likely a preview of the effort we’re going to put into our careers. If you’re cutting corners, submitting subpar or incomplete work now, you’re likely to carry the same habits into adulthood.
You can pretend that grades don’t matter. You can be critical of the system. In the end, though, you are the one who loses by not applying yourself and excusing yourself with cop-outs.
9. Let Go Of Your Ego and Ask Questions
Of all the numerous books I’ve read about successful people they almost all have gotten to where they are by asking questions and seeking answers.
As teens, we see questions as scary indicators that we’re dumb, that they’re going to expose us in front of our peers. Nothing can be further from the truth.
The dumb person asks no questions. It’s only when we’re courageous enough to ask questions that we learn and grow. There’s a good chance that you aren’t even the only one in the classroom with the same question!
What do you have to lose? Your ego? Put it aside in order to get the information you need.
But don’t just be willing to ask questions in the classroom. Go through life with curiosity, questioning all kinds of things you encounter in life. It’s only when we’re curious, it’s only when we’re willing to ask questions that we can go deeper and discover things we never would have if we’d been unwilling to pose the question.
Questions unlock creativity, the most valuable resource humanity has.
10. Be Confident. To Thine Own Self Be True.
Yes, it’s cliche. But to wrap up my final piece of wisdom to my younger self– which I think encapsulates all the other nine pieces of advice–is to become as comfortable with who you are as quickly as possible.
I’m not saying to flaunt your weaknesses and sins. I’m saying to embrace yourself everyday as you are. Be uniquely you and only you.
Listen to the people who genuinely love you. Shake off the criticisms of everyone else (unless you know them to be true). Not everyone is going to like you. Accept it and move on.
Don’t Change Yourself For Anyone Else. Not Everyone’s Going To Like You.
If you have to change yourself, like the things that make you “you”, for someone to like you then they’re not a good match for you. It doesn’t mean they are “missing out” or “don’t deserve you anyways”. It simply means you’re not a good fit together. And that’s ok.
I think the most shocking thing I learned in adulthood is that attraction is not a black and white category. As teens with sensitive self-esteems we tend to see rejection as an absolute and take it to heart. If your crush rejects you it’s not just them rejecting you but all potential prospects…you are in a sense not date-able material because of who you are and what you look like.
Thankfully we don’t stay that dramatic forever. The older we get the more we see how attractiveness depends on the individual. Person A might find you not physically attractive and your personality may be a complete turn off. Person B, however, may find you extremely attractive because of your personality that Person A couldn’t stand.
Dating Advice For Teens and Young People
I know this advice is meant to be about being true to yourself and not dating per se. But I think that dating is such an important part of accepting yourself when you’re a teenager. If I walk away from Person A and resolve to never put myself out there again I miss out on Person B, but more importantly, I walk away believing that I’m inadequate and no one will love me for me.
And for my last dating tip, confidence is sexy. The way we view someone’s attributes or personality often depends on how that person views them. Are they shy and embarrassed? Or sure of themselves, finding a way to turn a flaw into a strength? Some people can wear whatever they want and create their own vibe and style. It doesn’t mean their style is cool, though. It’s the air of confidence and boldness they are exuding.
Loving and Accepting Ourselves, Flaws and All
We have to be willing to love and accept ourselves despite all our mess before anyone else can. We can’t ever change ourselves at a core level to a great degree. Of course we should always be working to improve our character defects but should also give ourselves grace because often our character defects come paired with a significant strength.
I’m quite disorganized. But I also have a great imagination and lots of creativity. Sure, I wish my desk wasn’t so cluttered and things were organized better, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I have to be somewhat grateful for the chaos because without it I don’t think I’d have the creativity.
A Healthy Self-Esteem is the Foundation For Good Mental Health
All the previous pieces of advice are predicated on having a healthy self-esteem–proud but humble. If we don’t have confidence in who we are we can’t:
1. Be Vulnerable
2. Show / Admit Our Weaknesses and Scars
3. Follow Our Dreams
4. Live Our Own Life Instead Of How Society Says We Should
5. Use Our Time Wisely
6. Have Healthy Relationships
7. Be Financially Responsible
8. Apply Ourselves In School
9. Be Willing To Ask Questions
10. Be True To Ourselves
Let me know what you think or what your top 10 list of advice to your younger self. If you enjoyed this, please share it, sign up for my newsletter, and / or check out my books on Amazon.
Link To My Books on Amazon
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ALONG THE BARREN ROAD 
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