Is It Bad To Be Codependent?

Have you ever wondered whether you are too dependent on your partner? Merriam-Webster dictionary defines codependency as “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin)” or “broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another”. Of course it is bad to be codependent based upon the first definition; the broad definition is where I believe many people run into trouble.

Codependent is a misleading and often misinterpreted word. I have seen numerous posts on social media basically referring to any relationship where you’re “co-depend” on one another as toxic…that we should have everything in our life together and figured out before we even try looking for someone to date. This thinking is not only a misinterpretation of the word, it is toxic itself.

If you’re waiting until you have everything together and not going to bring any baggage or negative energy into a relationship before you look for one, you’re either going to die single or you’re a liar. No one is perfect. Everyone brings negativity into relationships. Of course if that’s all you’re bringing, that’s a problem. But my fear is that many people buy this lie that we should have everything figured out before we jump or that our partner shouldn’t have any issues.

This attitude breeds a toxic idea that will consume any relationship. If your expectation is that you or your partner should have all their shit together, shame and judgement are going to run rampant in your relationship. Worse, it eliminates the possibility of real love and turns marriage into a conditional contract, ripped up anytime either person makes any major mistakes (which is undoubtedly going to happen because both people are flawed humans).

If you don’t depend on anyone for anything, you are the one with the problem. Humans are built to rely on one another in community. We do need each other. Any healthy relationship is co-dependent in terms of each person relying on the other for some of their needs. A healthy marriage is one of give and take, sharing responsibilities, sacrificing, and putting their needs in front of your own (as long as these are healthy needs).

Being codependent in this way is not weak…it is love. This toxic view that you’re weak or broken or disqualified from a relationship because you are going to “need” or rely on something from that other person is prideful, arrogant, and selfish to its core. Unfortunately, this self-reliance on steroids is killing people’s chance for happiness and love.

The Town Mouse and Country Mouse Love Poem

The Town Mouse and Country Mouse

I was in love with the country,
and she, in love with the city.
We were in love with each other
but were split by the hand of destiny.

She preferred nights on the town
and I, counting country stars.
We woke up side-by-side each morning,
yet the distance between our lives was far.

For what did I know about hailing taxis?
Or her, about forest pines?
Though we surely knew each other's hearts,
our paths were never aligned.

I was alone with the country
and she, alone with the city.
In love but living separate lives
inevitably led to tragedy.

Justin Farley


She is the Sun Love Poem For Wife

She is the Sun

She is the sun rising in the east
rousing me from the heaviness of sleep.
Kissing my eyelids open wide with her light.
Restoring my sight when I've grown blind to beauty,
inspiration once again surging through me;
a vigor vital to my sanity.

It is her dawn that drives
the shadows into the recesses of my room.
Strips the gloom from my skin like soap.
The suds lathered in layers that provide 
a thick hide of protection
from the grime of the world outside.

She is the sun that drives me like a bird to sing
sweet songs of melody tweeting in the morning
perched happily on the wire of love 
content and at peace like a cooing dove
basking in the rays that fall down from heaven. 

Keep me not in the realm of night,
but pour out your bright light
through the dinge and dirt of my window,
so I can see out into the meadow
where butterflies dance fluttering
in a weightless prance through the summer air.

Because you are the sun rising in the east,
and summer ceases without your amber glow.
You are the deliverer of my winter,
the melter of my tundra's ice and snow.

So rise! Rise and awake me, Dawn
from this shadow-land of sleep!
Flood the riverbanks of my heart,
and alight the forest of night dark and deep.

Justin Farley

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Amazon: Kindle Paperback
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Can I Tell You A Secret Love Poem About Intimacy

Can I Tell You A Secret?
A Love Poem About Intimacy

If I tell you a secret can you keep it
locked like jewels in a treasure chest
buried beneath the "x" of your breast?

If I tell you a secret can you keep it
off your lips and not let it
poison the passion of your kiss?

Secrets are for lovers, but my secret uncovers
the man behind the mask.
Iron rusts, crumbles into dust, my shell becomes fragile glass.

If I tell you a secret can you keep it
private in your pocket, protected with loving care?
If I strip before you, will you accept me naked and bare?

If I tell you a secret will you leave it
behind if you decide to walk out the door,
put it in the drawer and promise not to speak of it anymore?

If I tell you a secret can you keep it?
Don't you know dear, secrets are for lovers?
I offer all of myself for you to discover.

Justin Farley

Hello, everyone! I have recently published my first chapbook of Christian poems titled “A Voice in the Wilderness – A Chapbook of Poems about God”. This has been developed and polished over the past six months or so. I am happy with the final product and hope you find encouragement in the poems but also a validation that the spiritual life is not all sunshine and rainbows. We all struggle. We all have periods of questions and/or doubt. But it is the yearning that keeps us coming back for more and allows us to experience joy.
You can purchase either on Amazon or on my own bookstore (it is cheaper and has free shipping on my store) and is available on the Kindle and in paperback.
Amazon: Kindle Paperback
Inkspiration Books (my bookstore): Paperback

Thank you for your support!

Woman – A Love Poem For Her

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Woman – A Love Poem For Her

You are like the waves lapping against the shore –
Repetitive, seductive, intoxicating, cleansing
Like holy water that wrings out the darkness.

I sit unceasingly upon the sands of time
Waiting for the rise of your tide,
To feel your waters once more by my side.
Staring off into the drab, gray horizon,
I admire flocks of sea gulls.
Only for a moment, but never long enough
To loose sight of your ebb and flow.

Woman is an ocean –
An endless vessel of mystery.
Who knows the measure of your depths?
Who can see the floor of your soul?
We all float in safety as sailors in the bosom of your rest.

Your ripples are enough to rouse suspicion,
To know that beneath your surface currents rage.
But we all long to dive within your waters
And be nestled within the confines of your embrace.

Your seas are salty,
Yet our tongues still thirst for more.
A water that never satisfies,
But opens the flood gates of passion’s door.

You are like the waves lapping against the shore –
A sweeping hand seducing, gesturing
Us to step away from the safety of land.
Woman, you are the demise and prize
Of the heart of each and every man.

-Poem Written by Justin Farley


 

photo credit: Receding Sunrise | Assateague Island, Virginia via photopin (license)

Like the Summer Wind – A Poem

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Like the Summer Wind – A Poem

I yearn for you like the summer wind –
vast, cool, refreshing upon my cheek;
a shelter to soothe beneath the furnace of life’s heat.

Your character radiates and pierces
through the layers of lust surrounding my heart,
pushing foolish desires aside; shredding selfishness apart.

Your faith is a fortress –
a castle that contains a bounty of beauty;
an unfamiliar treasure invigorating. intriguing me.

Respect reflects from your resolve like an echo –
a lovely sonata to my ears,
finding all the melodies attractive that you hold dear.

Purity has never been pursued by me,
but you make it as arousing as naked flesh.
seductively strutting your sexuality within a soul of righteousness.

Romance flares up; sensuality beckons me
to brush your lips, to feel your kiss.
and have my hands caress and rub out all your loneliness.

You’ve got me on the hunt,
pursuing an prize I’ve never seen –
my bow is strung, my arrow nocked, and aimed for the heart of a queen.

I long for you like stars in a void of black –
hopeful, resilient, a lamplight to guide the way,
and your flames lick at my heart, burning to speak your name.

-Poem Written by Justin Farley


 

photo credit: Purity via photopin (license)

Looking For Eternal Love Poem – “The Wings of A Fighter”

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The Wings of A Fighter – A Poem About Looking For Eternal Love

I’m looking for the wings of a fighter,
someone to take flight with
and who won’t turn back at the slightest breeze.
She need not be perfect and can have scars upon her,
she just must be resistant to whatever weather fortune brings.

I’m done floating on delicate bubbles,
quickly rising, but eager to pop.
I’m done dealing with skyline struggles,
pleading and begging just to keep from being dropped.

I’m looking for the wings of a fighter,
she may be bruised but absorbs life’s punches
without letting go of my hand.
When she’s afraid she clutches me tighter,
and her promises are solid ground, not suddenly swallowed by sand.

I’m done flying with fallen angels
who fiercely hold onto pride and careless ways.
I’m done rebuilding and mending halos
only to find they have no desire to reenter heaven’s gates.

I’m looking for the wings of a fighter
with feathers secure and ready for flight.
Someone who is not merely a glider,
but a partner who flaps her wings beside me,
raging and resisting against the black of night.

-Poem Written by Justin Farley

About the Poem

A poem about looking for eternal love and finding a partner who is dedicated and sticks by your side through life’s struggles.


photo credit: Alter ego via photopin (license)

The Tinman – A Poem

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The Tinman – A Poem

Your beacon blazes with the firestorm
Of a thousand pyres.
In your eyes I find the fires –
Smoke signals that rise to the heavens
And lead me on a journey
Out of the confinement of earthly shackles
That have clanged like lonely church bells
Ringing in the early morning,
Beckoning for deliverance around my feet for countless eons.
But when our hearts meet,
The cold of chaotic confusion is warmed by the heat
You infuse in me, soothing me to the core,
Stilling this ailment that never quits, never relents
Like a nagging child consistently tugging on my sleeve.
But the chilling winter breeze
That howls throughout my chest’s empty corridor
Is driven back from whence it came
Under the concealment of your shelter.
A whisper of your tongue sends new forecasts
Of warmer weather upon my heart’s radar.

Angelic avenues appear before me.
I can see Avalon in the distance –
My vision cleared from the fog
That has hung over my head like a drab curtain
For far too long.
Your song pierces the mist of madness,
And I see the kingdom once again
That I believed to have crumbled
Under the weight of tyrannical vacancy.
But now there is a peace in me –
A gentle but consistent flame that is growing,
Consuming all my darkness and blazes brighter
With each new tree of dead wood I chop down
And throw on top of it.
I do the work, but you provide the oxygen
That allows this bonfire to reach ever higher,
Burning off the shadows of these hanging leaves of treetop trees,
Opening my outlook like a door,
Revealing the heavens in this dark forest once more.

I am yet free –
Still stuck in these dark woods
My mind has resided in for years.
But these towering trees of torment
Are falling one by one,
Chopped and loaded into the hearth of your love.
My ax may be rusted, and my tin skin clanks,
Weighing me down, leaving me falling behind
Trying to make up for lost time,
But I am moving, even if it is sometimes slowly.
When I find myself weak and lowly
Will you oil me up and wait for me?
Will you see me through to the emerald gates of Oz?
Your beacon bellows –
A woodcutter’s dream to have your resistant flames
Scorch and singe back the bark’s leather skin.
I will continue my hacking until this forest
Is but a memory of protruding stumps
That serve as a reminder of what was
And what will never again be,
As long as there’s a fire in your heart,
And you are here fighting next to me.

-Poem Written by Justin Farley

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photo credit: Woodchoppers scene via photopin (license)